Years passed, and still I found no place that I really belonged. Always standing on the outside looking in, I knew that my heart was lacking that one thing that would be a fulfilling of not only God's will for me, but also my deepest hearts desire. Loneliness plagued me, and the desire to serve God was such an overwhelming pounding within my heart that, at times, I found it unbearable to even imagine those desires would ever come to pass.

I decided to simply walk. I purposed in my heart to go forward in the truth of knowing that somewhere I just might find where I belonged. There were nights that my heart would ache to serve the Lord, and I would sit and weep at the prospects of never finding my niche in life. Seeing friends fulfilling their dreams would make me wonder if and when God would ever find a place to use me. I felt like I was this dusty book set up on a shelf in a back room somewhere longing to be useful. "Here I am, God. Use me!! I 'm waiting for you to reach your loving hand up to me, take me down off of this shelf, and set me into the hands of your Son, Jesus, to be used to glorify your kingdom!!"

After what seemed like a lifetime, I found myself being directed to this room. I looked in and I saw this wonderful chair just sitting there. I searched for its' occupant, and no one was to be found. As I approached the chair, I heard a voice whisper to me, "This chair has been set aside for you. Sit down, and I'll bring to you your purpose in life." So, I sat down.

Nothing much happened at first, but I seemed to find some comfort in knowing that just maybe this was what God had planned for me to do for him. Day after day I would sit in my chair waiting for the Lord to show me my purpose. Occasionally, people would come my way that needed an encouraging word to lift up their spirits, and I would be in just the right chair for them to find me. I would offer up praises to God, and lift my new found friends up in prayer on a daily basis always while sitting in that chair.

I soon found myself meeting more and more people. This chair was so very fulfilling, and finally I had found a place that God was using me. He must have taken me off of that shelf, dusted me off, and put me in the most wonderful chair that I'd ever sat in my entire life...... Oh, the joy that began to fill my soul! God saw fit to use me!

As time passed, others were placed in similar chairs finding themselves being used of God in the same way as I was being used. It was such a wonderful thing to see those around me being fitly joined as a body ministering to the needs of so many people. My heart would break because of those who just needed a listening ear and a prayer of love to pour over their weary spirits. Prayer after prayer went up as a sweet smelling savor to the Lord God on behalf of His children who needed a touch of His awesome love.

Then one day God said to me, "I require your chair of you, today. I give it to someone else, now." I got up from the chair, and my heart felt as if it would break into a million pieces. I looked up into the heavens weeping because I had no idea what was happening to me. "What had I done wrong, Lord? How have I failed you?"

Turning around, I looked at the chair that I'd been sitting in and serving the Lord for such a long time. Then I saw God seat someone else there. I no longer had a place I belonged; I no longer had God's purpose clear to me. I just stood there staring at this chair that had been my niche, and now another was sitting there.

"But God, that's my chair! You seated me there from the very beginning. I asked you my entire life for a purpose. I asked you to use me so many times, but I was sitting on that dusty shelf for so long. Then you took me down, dusted me off, and sat me in that chair to do your work. What have I done wrong? Please God?? Someone else is sitting in the chair you gave to me. I want to do my job again, Lord. I want my purpose back, again. Please, please, God! Don't put me back up on that dusty shelf again!!"

I found myself in shock because of what was going on in my life. Feeling displaced, hurt, and bewildered, I tried to get past the fact that God didn't need me to sit in that chair anymore. Some days I would forget that someone else was sitting in my chair, and then I would have a flood of emotions when again I would see that my chair was no longer "MY chair". Every time I would see that new person sitting in my chair, my heart would feel as though someone was ripping it apart, and I would have to look away because I couldn't bear the emptiness that I felt.

"God?? Why did you give me a purpose, allow me to minister in that chair and grow to love what you had given to me to do if you were just going to take it away from me? What have I done wrong? I've failed you miserably, Lord, because I just can't seem to find it in my heart to release this wonderful chair that you gave me and give it to another person. Where do I belong, now, God? I'm so lost, Lord."

"My blessed child. Don't you know that it's by my mercy and love that I've given that chair to another? Wait, and be patient to see what I will do for you. Allow me to lead you one step at a time even though the path seems to be dark and without a clear direction."

"But Lord, my heart is broken now because I don't know where I belong, anymore. My desire is to do your will, but I just can't find a way to get past my wounded heart. I followed your every step when you seated me in my chair, and I worked faithfully doing your will. Why do I feel like such a failure, Lord?"

"Blessed servant, I don't see any failures, but I see your willing heart to serve me. I see your patience and longsuffering when all the circumstances appeared most difficult. Even the enemy sought to sift you like wheat, but the blood of my Son, Jesus, covered you, and sustained you throughout those trials."

"Oh God, I wish that I was stronger. Crying has become a daily task for me now because of my broken heart. I find myself grieving over the loss of a silly chair, yet, that silly chair meant that I belonged somewhere."

"Remember how great a love that I have for you, precious one. I will not put you in a place that I haven't equipped you for, and I am preparing a place for you this very moment. Be still, and know that I love you with a great love that encompasses eternity. Wait patiently for my will to be revealed to you once again."

"Where you lead me, I will follow, Lord. I give you my wounded heart, now. You will have to repair it for me because I am at a loss as to how to overcome my brokenness. Who else can I turn to? Who else can I trust to renew my spirit? I have no other God before me that I would give my hopes and desires to, and I trust that you will lead me in the path that is best for me. Use me, Lord, and help me to know your will for me once again. Help me to trust you, and follow you."

I handed over everything to God that I longed for, yet, my heart still was sad. I would think to myself, "That was My chair, and how blessed I was to be able to sit there." How I missed the ministry that the Lord had given me to do from that chair. The heartache that I felt would send me into a depression, so I would just avoid looking at it.

"What's wrong with me? I want to be happy for the new occupant! I really do."

Then one day the chairs occupant turned and looked at me and spoke. It was almost more than I could handle. I couldn't pretend anymore that someone else wasn't sitting in my chair. It was a reality.

I was told to go sit in another chair for a while. So, I did. Once again it seemed that I had something to do, but as the months passed, depression had gripped me and I began to withdraw from life.

My heart was overwhelmed by what was missing. I desperately wanted to go back and sit in MY chair again, but it was to no avail. I would send prayers up to God, but it was as though my words bounced off of a brass wall. I fell to my knees in despair crying out to God. "What do I do now, Lord?"

Just when I thought my heart couldn't be broken anymore, His voice said to me, "I want it all. You can no longer serve here!" Tears swept over me like an ocean wave over a grain of sand. I was consumed by a broken heart that was breaking even more. Three days weeping was all I could do. Yet, on the 4th day my pain was so great that I thought my heart would cease to beat.

"Why, God? My heart aches like never before! It's as if you've laid me on a rock, and ripped something from my heart that was planted there. Why does this hurt so deeply? Why do I feel as if you've taken my heart and every ounce of my being, and laid it upon an altar to sacrifice? What am I to do now, Lord? I belong no where!! You took me off of a shelf and gave me a purpose... I trusted in you, Lord. But, now you've taken everything away that you gave to me. I feel so emptied... so void of a purpose and a future, Lord."

"Precious Daughter, I know every ounce of your pain. I was rejected, too. I felt the sting of loneliness. I understand the altar of sacrifice, and the devastation of a broken heart. You are walking in my shoes, little one. I will bring comfort to you because I've been where you are now. Lay your tear-drenched face upon my bosom, precious one. I will help you to bear what you're going through. Rest assured, I'll guide you in the way you are to go from this point on. Keep your eyes upon me even though all seems to be lost."

"I cry out to you, oh God, for YOU are my only hope. Where else can I go? If I turned against you, my enemy would swallow me up. I have no other to turn to who will understand the depth of my sorrow and grief, Lord."

As I tried to function in my daily tasks, I became totally numb from the hole that seemed to have made its home in the center of my heart. But, something unusual began to happen. I found myself being drawn to a chair hidden away in another room. I walked into this room, and several people were there waiting for me. They took me by the hand and told me to sit down. For a few moments, my heart was overjoyed at the prospect of having a purpose restored to me again. I sat down for a while and began to praise God with such joy in my heart.

On the second day that I sat in this chair someone approached me with a request for prayer. My own strength was nearly depleted, yet I heard the voice of my Father speak to me. He said to me, "Pray for His child." So, with what seemed to be my last sacrifice of praise unto God, I lifted up one of God's precious ones in prayer.

A day passed, and His child visited me again. Healing had come, and they were praising God for His awesome touch. I began thanking God for seating me in this new chair. I realized that God used me to lift someone up to His throne to receive a miracle.

"Why must such praise come out of such grief, Lord? Why did I have to leave the first chair you gave to me? I committed myself to serve you with all my heart when you seated me in that chair.... I gave all I had to give in serving you there, Lord. What did I do wrong?"

"Precious child, you did indeed serve me with all of your heart. You ministered to all that I sent to you. I would ask you one question, dear one. Would you have left your chair?"

"No, Lord! I would've stayed in that chair because you gave it to me... I would not have given it up! I committed myself to do what you had given me to do, and I would never have left even if it were hard to stay there to serve you, Lord. I wanted to be faithful in doing what you had given me to do, Lord."

"Daughter, you HAVE been faithful, and now I give you a different assignment in a different chair. I know you will serve me well in your new chair. Begin to look forward to the new things I will do through you. See that I will bless you even more abundantly, now. Let my spirit heal that place in your heart that was wounded. I desire to bring you to a place that you haven't yet been. Walk with me through this, and I will bring you up higher and show you greater things. I will make you like a fortified bronze wall. The enemy will fight against you, but shall not prevail against you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you. I'll deliver you from the hand of the wicked, and I'll redeem you from the grasp of the terrible. Separate yourself for me."

"You know my whole heart.... you have known every tear that I have shed. Turn my mourning into dancing once again, Lord. Hear my hearts cry to you to be free of my grieving. Send your mercy upon me to receive healing... send your compassion upon me to forgive, Lord. Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me, Lord. I am unable to do any of this without you doing it in my heart. I am willing, Lord..."

As the last breath of my prayer left my lips, I awaited my Fathers touch upon my heart. "Come Holy Spirit and touch me, now.... Help me to love others when I can't love others in my own strength. Help me to walk in His footsteps when I'm so weak within myself that I'd fall if not for my Jesus living within me. Help me to take one step forward, and not look back at what the enemy tried to do, but to fix my eyes upon the goal that you're leading me to, Lord. I thank you that the enemy is defeated, and that you, oh Lord, will always win the battle! I thank you that what the enemy tried to destroy in me is hidden in you, Lord!"

As I walked further on in my new assignment, I began to see so many good things that God was beginning to do. It was by His mercy that He sent me to this hidden chair in another room.

As time went on, the Lord had me move from chair to chair. Each assignment was different from the one before, and I was walking in directions that I never thought I would ever go. I didn't know that in order to grow that I had to let so much inside of me die first. The sacrifice of what had been dear to me at one time became a point in my life to reflect upon.

I truly wouldn't have ever left MY chair, but if I had never left it, I would have never grown past that one chair. I would never known what wonderful things the Lord had in mind for me to do further down the road in my walk with Him. When I recall those times in my life, I can't imagine going through them without God gently whispering His kind words of encouragement to me.

I don't miss My chair anymore. I know now that we all don't just have one chair where we find our niche… Our niche is whatever chair God happens to use us in at that moment in time.

By Jenn © 1/05/99